Tech Support Tales

I can't find it!

2006-09-07T12:29:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in a while...but...

This is an actual email I recieved...word for word...

I have not been able to locate my Hard drive on the new computer. Can you help me?

I went to help. It was under "My Computer" where it always is. He tells me "it wasn't there before!" He is a VP.

Sigh...

Repetitive Stupidity

2005-08-01T15:24:00.000-06:00

When I started this blog, I thought I would have an endless supply of material. After all, people are stupid ALL THE TIME...especially when it comes to computers. However, what I found out is that while people are stupid all the time, they tend to be stupid in all the same ways. After a while, it is just dealing with the same idiocy all the time. This is why I haven't posted in a while...trust me, its not because people stopped doing dumb things.

If anyone has any other customer service related stories, I'd love to hear them. I'm sure people in different industries have different stories.

A Letter from Tech Support

2005-04-12T13:14:00.000-06:00

Everyone,

The IT team felt that it would be good to provide you with this guide to help us do our jobs better:

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer rubbish." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as rubbish.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT Support.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $600,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.

31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.....

Thanks, IT Support

Stolen, with gratitude for the humor, from here.

An actual email received (without identifying info)

2005-03-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I am a little confused with the way that (company) is doing their reports. On their website, after you have reviewed a report the color of the link changes so that you know that report has been viewed. However, after a few weeks sometimes the report goes back to the unreviewed color. This is very confusing and makes it difficult to know what we need to print for use in (user's job). Is there any way that this can be resolved (either stopping the refresh to the unreviewed color after viewing or have the link only go to current reports)? Or should I just assume that I only need to look at reports with the most current date(s) and ignore the older reports that I have already viewed?

Thanks, (user)

It is sad that the user even bothered to send this email. What is sadder, however, is that it went through 3 other people before it found its way into our hands who apparently also did not know the answer. We had to write a nice reply about how temporary internet files work and that, yes, you should probably use the DATE to decide which ones are newest, not the color...

HELP DESK LOG…

2005-03-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me this as a forward. Seemed appropriate:

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ...

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates darn it!

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says ’Can’t find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah...that one does work!

I personally like the last one best. Sometimes you have to get a little creative to try to help people troubleshoot their computer.

Calling Tech Support Tip #2

2005-02-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

Tech support are people too...

Start a conversation with a tech support person like you would start a conversation with any other person you have never talked to...introduce yourself. Not only does this allow the tech support person to start pulling up your account/create a ticket for the call, but it also gives them a nice way to refer to you - as opposed the the cold and generic "Sir" or "Ma'am".

Dot, as in Period

2005-01-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was giving a lady our website address today. You know: "www dot (whatever) dot com". Despite having used our system for over a year and using the internet everyday at work, she asked this:

"You mean dot as in period right?"

No, dot as in exclamation point. Duh...

The Search Bar

2005-01-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

Whats the difference between a Search bar and an Address bar? One of them will get you where you need to go...

Me: Okay, lets start you off by getting you to our setup website. Can you open up Internet Explorer and go to www.(our website).com?
Caller: Okay. (Pause while they do this.) It says "No results found."
Me: That's because you typed that address into your Search bar. Can you please type that into your Address bar?
Caller: I did. Up at the top and it says "No results found."
Me: I know, but the only time you get that message is if you typed our address into a Search bar instead of an Address bar. The Address bar should say "Address" in front of it.
Caller: Okay, let me try that.

This is the shortened version of this story. It once took me about 10 minutes to explain the difference between the two to someone.

Its called LOOKING...

2005-01-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

Open your eyes people - all windows are setup the same way. Also, what is difficult about the concept "at the top of your screen"...

Me: Okay, I'd like to check a setting on your computer. Please right-click on your start button and go to "Explore"
Caller: Okay.
Me: In that new window that just opened up, go to the top and click on "Tools" and then "Folder Options"
Caller: I don't think I have that. Our network is setup differently and I just have some icons and stuff.
Me: This shouldn't have anything to do with your network. At the top of that window, do you see "Tools"?
Caller: No.
Me: Really? It should be along the same line as file, edit, view...
Caller: No, I don't have that.
Me: Okay, (humoring her) lets try it another way. Please close that window and minimize all the other ones. Then double click on your "My Computer" icon.
Caller: Okay, I did that.
Me: In your "My Computer" window, do you see the "Tools" option on your menu bar?
Caller: No, I think our network is setup differently. All I see are some icons and disk drives.
Me: Do you see the "File" option?
Caller: Yes
Me: And along that same line do you see "File", "Edit", "View"....?
Caller: Yes
Me: Do you see "Tools"?
Caller: Oh, yes, I see it now.

Argh...

Slow week, slow people.

2004-12-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Its been a slow week (holiday season - no one wants to call tech support if they are even working), but I did get this one this morning. Of course, this is by far not the first time I have had this happen.

Caller: Okay, it says that this step is complete.
Me: Okay, can you please click on the link at the bottom of the page that says "Return to Homepage"?
Caller: I don't see it, there's no link.
Me: You may need to scroll down.
Caller: Oh, there it is.

If you had never used a computer before, it would be excusable that you didn't think to scroll the page down when I say to click on a link at the bottom. These people use computers every day.

The Blue E

2004-12-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

At one point during the regular process that we walk people through they have to close their Internet Explorer browser window and then reload IE in order to load a small certificate that we just finished installing. Close a program, reopen it. Simple right? Uh huh...

Caller: It says Installation Complete.
Me: Great. Could you please close your browser, "x" out of it.
Caller: Okay, done.
Me: Okay, now reopen Internet Explorer.
Caller: I don't think I have that.
Me: You were just in it. Its the program that you use to browse on the internet.
Caller: I don't know how to get there.
Me: Well, you were just in it, but thats okay. Can you please minimize everything. You probably have a link to it on your desktop.
Caller: I did, I don't see it.
Me: Do you have a Blue 'E'?
Caller: Oh yeah, there it is!

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

13 Wasted Minutes

2004-12-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

Background on this one. We are an ASP (Application Service Provider). This means that everything that you do with our software is done on the internet using Internet Explorer (we only officially support IE). This isn't one that I got, fortunately (for me) one of my co-workers got this call. TS = Tech Support.

Caller: Hi, I am getting an error message when I try to get my reports through a search.
TS: Where are you getting this error message?
Caller: When I search for my reports on your web site I get an error with a bunch of Chinese gobble-de-goop that I can’t read.
TS: Well, let me log in as you and see if I get the same error (TS logs in as her and does NOT get the error).
Caller: This is really slow today on the Internet. Okay, I am still getting the Chinese gobble-de-goop.

---Caller and TS troubleshoot her browser by clearing her caches and history. Then in a new browser, TS shows her how to use the Search feature on the report section. They try again to get her reports on her system.---

Caller: I am still getting the Chinese gobble-de-goop.
TS: I may need to look into this on our end.
Caller: Okay, and maybe when I get my Internet back I can have my IT look at it some more.
TS: You don’t have an Internet connection?
Caller: No, my little “N” is gone. They’ve been having problems with it today.

He did better than I would have and ended the call cordially. I think I would have just hung up on her right then. She apparently didn't think that that particular piece of information (that she didn't have an internet connection today) would have been good to know at the beginning of the conversation.

Right Now?

2004-12-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

Just got this call...

Me: "Okay, can you please go to our setup website at (our website)"
Caller: "Right now?"
Me: "No, go next week...or perhaps whenever you feel like it. Better yet, why don't you just put me on hold, go get a sandwich, and let me know when you feel like it."

Okay, the last one was all in my head because if I said that I would possibly (probably?) lose my job. What I really said was "Yes, right now."

Sigh...

Calling Tech Support Tip #1

2004-12-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

If you call a support line: Remember - you called them for help...Listen to what the person says. What I have to walk people through every day is so simple and I am so specific that if you simply listen and do what I say, you cannot go wrong...

And yet, people do...every day.

Remember, YOU called ME for help...

Passwords

2004-12-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

Where I work, we have to set people's passwords. When we do this, the system randomly assignes them a onetime use password so they can login at which point they then login using the random password and the system asks them to change it to whatever they want their password to be. Simple right? Not for people like this:

Caller: Okay, I'm at the login page.
Me: Great. Please enter your username.
Caller: Okay, done.
Me: Okay, now, your temporary password today is going to be all capital letters: RUN42. It is case sensitive, so please be sure to type it in correctly.
Caller: Are the numbers capital too?

I'm serious. I've actually had people ask me this.

Changing themes.

2004-12-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

Alright - there are plenty of serious political and otherwise blogs out there, so I'm going to change the format and theme of mine. This will become my place to vent about stupid people. More specifically this will become my place to vent about people who call the support line where I work as tech support for a software company.

Liars

2004-11-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I said I'd post why I know they lied to us.

Imagine you are about to invade (break into, whatever) someone's home. You have a choice of a few homes, but you really have one in particular in mind because you don't like the guy who lives there. That guy also happens to be crazy as is evidenced by his sacrificing chickens in cruel ways and other dastardly things. Most people know that crazy people, when backed into a corner, will do crazy things just for revenge. Would you still enter his home if you thought he had a bomb underneath it that could take both you and him out? How about if he had a bazooka aimed at a neighbors house that you know you couldn't stop? Of course not - that would be stupid.

Such is the case with Iraq. They (Bush administration) told us they had weapons of mass destruction. They knew they were lying. If Saddam had a WMD, he would have used it the moment he knew he was screwed. Whether he would have used it against Kuwait, Israel, or his own people (to get our troops) is the only question. We went in with full knowledge that he had nothing. This is evidenced by our reaction to North Korea when they announced they had Nukes. Instead of doing anything about it (not that we really can), we petulantly said "Fine, then we're not talking to you anymore!" and proceeded to do so.

I certainly don't think that nuclear proliferation is a good idea. However, if Iran is smart, it would be in their own best interest to get nukes as fast as possible. It pretty much guarantees we'll do nothing against them except sanctions.

Ah well - more than half of our country apparently likes to be lied to. Although this is pretty obvious since most of them watch news on tv and think they are "informed" and listen to political ads and believe every word.

Too late now I guess. Here's to hoping that in the next four years we just try to fix the problems we currently have without trying to start new ones.

Why now?

2004-10-19T16:28:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about doing this (starting a Blog) for a while, but I finally did today. Why? I guess it was because I was reading the blogs of A Family in Iraq (scroll down, its not all in Arabic) especially Khalid and Raed. I've been reading Raed's blog since well before we went into Iraq, then, just to get a different viewpoint, now, to try to get some idea of what really happens there. I have never met, contacted or otherwise known any of these people and yet they are one of my best sources of news.
Maybe what really started me going today was my coworker proudly proclaiming to me that he had voted early...for Bush (not that his vote matters much since it is highly unlikely that Wyoming would ever vote anything but Republican - I live in Colorado where it does matter this year). Despite my sending him daily forwards, news articles, stories and links to information on why he should not do so. I even sent him some excerpts from the "Family in Iraq" blog to which he replied that the woman who writes must be "misinformed" (imagine that - first person experience and she is somehow "misinformed"). I like the guy well enough in all other regards and outside of his political ideas he is a pretty intelligent, likeable guy.
So, it started me thinking. How can likeable, non-malevolent, otherwise intelligent American's be so blind to what seems so clear to me? How can half of all American's be considering voting for an administration to "lead" us again who BLATENTLY lied to us? Somehow I feel it must come down to people's unwillingness to consider themselves wrong or to change their minds - to look at the man they thought was a great leader following 9/11 and see him any other way.

I know that for some people they look at ideological differences between Bush and his opponents and choose based on those - like those are the most important things going on in the world today? I'm not a huge Kerry supporter and so I wouldn't tell anyone who doesn't agree with his viewpoints to vote for him, but how can people vote for Bush? Vote for yourself if you have to, but this is a presidency that screams ineptitude.

Well, maybe tomorrow I'll explain how I think I know they lied to us. Afterall - what kind of an idiot invades a country where a madman (Saddam) holds the keys to WMD? Well, Bush I suppose, but thats namecalling and he'd never get away with it (too much risk...)...